See Evil? Hear Evil? Speak Evil to Stop It!

My god... New statistics show that men who sleep with men are currently 44 times higher in HIV/AIDS diagnosis' than other men, and women. This is a problem, Oh my god! What the fuck, really?! The gay community is so entangled in their own self absorbed arrogance, that we shun those who are positive in such a tight corner of society, where no one will notice their existence, when most of them are still walking around, pretending. Have your fun, but you are NOT invincible! Put a god damned condom on! It's so fucking simple, I mean, really! I'm so enraged, learning of this. I knew the stigma of HIV/AIDS was highly prevalent in the gay community, being with the torment I'd endured due to my status, but I had no idea things were this bad. My generation will go extinct at this growing rate!

(Took a breather)

Seriously, this is sick, I am sick to my stomach. Something needs to be done, before things worsen further than they already are. Also, it hurts knowing I'd contributed to those stats, but it angers me more to realize we are doing nothing to prevent any further infections.

Yes, my fellow queers, bareback sex is AMAZING! There is nothing that feels better than to fuck an ass, or get fucked raw with no protection. But, what doesn't feel right is the fact that STD's DO EXIST! Unlike my gay brethren, HIV/AIDS IS ALIVE AND WELL! It needs to stop now!

The gay men of my generation will die left, and right, as I grow older, god-willing I have that opportunity being that I'M HIV POSITIVE! Put a rubber on, or don't fuck. ABC, 123, it's fucking simple! If you won't wear a condom when you have sex, purchase a sex toy, and fuck that instead! Don't go around killing everyone else because you're too lazy and cheap to go out there in this big ole world of ours, locate a drug-store, buy some condoms, and snap them on your dick. Truly despicable!

I know, I know, we as gay men are so lost in our fear. You need to overcome it because silence will get you nowhere! Look at what it's doing to us! This is all preventable, that's what pains me the most. We won't talk about, because it's so taboo. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Well, guess what? HIV IS PURE EVIL! We don't hear about it because nobody speaks about it. We don't speak about because the entire world has progressed past the 80's, where HIV popped her cute little head out for us all to embrace, and in the 80's we left her. Why, because NOW we have sugar pills to broaden the road of our AIDS related demise? She is here today, more deviant than ever, because she is shadowed by darkness, thriving like a roach, feasting on the crumbs left behind. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Where From Here?

Subconsciously, I began this alias, the Positive Youth Network, as a means of coping with the shock of just getting diagnosed. I don't know when I'll overcome not giving a damn about who knows because it'll always be an issue I'll have to face, regardless of where I live, who I know, and who I want to initiate a relationship with. There's a part of me that would like to start a public vlog. To show my face, who I am, and what I stand for. To extract the ignorant from the start. If I do encounter them at a later time, open up a dialog and educate.

One thing I took with me when staying with my uncle, he said, "Live your life, because you can be gone tomorrow, and nobody will remember your name." I want to be remembered, if it's by a handful of people or by millions. I want to make a difference in the opinions we have as humans against what it is we don't understand. Death is inevitable, and I don't want to take my silence to the grave. I want to initiate change. I can't run away from this forever, and if I do, I am defeated. I'd just figured, with all that's been bestowed before me in life, I was too exhausted to endure any further stupidity from those who fail understand. Well, not anymore!

I want to break the barriers set up by the fear instilled by so many. I want to prance around with an Annie Lennox t-shirt on that reads "HIV POSITIVE" everyday, and be liberated with the brilliance of accepting the fact that I'm positive. The shock is gone, and the reality has taken lead, in that it's not easy. It fucking sucks having HIV, regardless of age, but, especially at mine. I'm overcoming the obstacle of wanting to embrace the wild side of me I never had the opportunity of grasping a hold of before this. That's not who I am, it's just the fear of not being able to. Sex is a temporary fix, an emotional bond, if any, with another body besides your own, being it superficial and only once with a stranger, or within the solitude of a committed relationship. Besides that, there are so many other STD's out there I don't need to be exposing myself to. I may have the worst one of the bunch, but I'm blessed to only have this one, because it's unbearable on it's own, it doesn't need company. The best relationship to have is the one you have with yourself.

End of Year Fears

Time flies by, when you're having fun. It also does when you're submerged in chaos. There was this guy who had the biggest crush on me, and he was newly single. I was madly excited because I fancied him the same. We'd engaged in some invigorating conversation in the past months, and I got a good sense of what he was about. He was Intelligent, charming, and physically attractive. So we arranged to go hang out one night in December. I wasn't anticipating anything sexual would occur, though, it definitively passed my mind, I wasn't banking on it. I worried all of the what ifs, but pushed them aside, because damn it, I'm young and entitled to have some senseless fun, being an introvert my entire life has prevented me from acquiring the crazy memories most can reminisce about in their golden years and smile.

I've been torn between my illness, and new found insatiable yearning to embrace my limited youth. I've been an adult my entire life, and now I'm actually becoming one. I didn't want to be defeated by this, allowing it to stop me from pursuing those who find interest in me, and then years later thinking back, "damn, why didn't I?".

Somewhere along the line, we were alone, being at his friends house he saw an opportunity, and went in to kiss me. It happened so fast, and before I knew it I was kissing back. The night went on, and the mood began to change. His friends were whispering back and forth to one another giggling, staring, and avoiding. His attitude went from laid back and peaceful to silent and contemplative. The vibes turned cold and negative. I began to suspect the worst... but how? How would they have known? True, they have all frequented the same gay and lesbian community center from where I receive my HIV case management from, attending the social groups I met them at. But, I thought confidentiality meant something. Yes, there are the volunteers who are part of that social web. Everybody knows everybody, and people gossip. That sense of privacy and safety had been invalid from the start, and it has cost me so much.

I fled to L.A. to live with my uncle, and to start a new life where nobody knew. Where I could live free from the fear of disclosure and retaliation. My life itself was at risk, back home. It was only a kiss. We didn't fuck or anything, but that means nothing. The ridicule I had faced, was unbearable, the fear instilled within me, unforgettable. I felt like a zombie, a walking death, I was belittled so. I would like to think society has come to a place of understanding, the same place all of those health professionals I've encountered on my journey, thus far, has said we are in. "It's not like twenty years ago", they say with slice of arrogance, like they know. Tell that to the group of people that vowed to kill me because they obviously don't, or are they from twenty years ago?

World AIDS Day

The first of December, World AIDS Day. It's sad to know we need one day of the year to commemorate our struggle, in order for the entire world to think about us for one measly second of their day, to make room in their materialistic artificial mindsets to consciously give a damn about statistics, and maybe even use a condom the next time they fuck. HIV should be incorporated in everybody's life on a daily basis, because everyone who is sexually active, being most of humanity, yes, even you priests and nuns out there, are at risk, because one day per year is not enough to combat and defeat the stigma that is fueling the spread of this disease. Every day should be World AIDS Day. Then, maybe then, may we see progress.

And life goes on...

I pursue happiness and independence. I indulge occasionally in an alcohol influenced reality. I don't encourage substance abuse, but occasionally, I recommend it for my own peace of mind. A little numbing juice never hurt anybody. Unless it's injected (joking). I do not claim to be perfect in any way. My CD4 counts are improving, compared to the last few labs which were devastatingly shortcoming to what I'd hoped for, and my viral load is being monitored closely. But my life is on the right track. I still cry on certain days, when what lies ahead haunts me. I try to make the best of what I'm enduring. I fear people I don't want knowing discovering it out. Maybe, I'll just move to a new location, every time my surroundings are all knowing of my personal situation. Although, it's not something worth thinking about, I believe I'm not ready for any relationships at this time in my life, despite the fact that I'm in a superficial one. Superficial meaning long distance. Music and weed is a blessing. Recently, I'd viewed this presentation explaining the ABC's of HIV, I found it straight forward and informative! Check it out.

I'm sorry. I know it has been awhile, since the last time I've posted. I've had my own inner demons to conquer, and I always will, but they are weaker now, and I am stronger, and that's all that counts. So, I've summed up a handful of questions that I believe can assist anybody find their true inner beings, and that may lead to a happier, less sobering reality, without engaging in the use of recreational drugs, and other stupidities that follow. Where do we find true happiness? What ventures are to be taken? When does the pain end and the pleasure begin? Where does our emptiness reside within us, that darkness in us all that we hope to keep concealed with a fake smile or laugh. How do we find it, and discontinue it's vulgar influence that dampen our lives? How do we find what makes us happy? How do we make amends with our pasts, accept, learn, and move on from them? How do we accept the things that bring us great fear, agony, and shame? How do we learn to love ourselves again? How do we avoid relationships that are superficial, and find that one true love, whom you can litrerally spend the rest of you days with? How do you get that at a young age, at any age, in general? what are the chances of finding someone just like you, your perfect match, where you meet on mostly every mental level that there is, and the two of you just "click"? How do you take control of your life, and lead? I'm still trying to find the answers to all of them, as well.

Having HIV is a challenge, especially at a young age. You worry about things that should only be the worries of the sick, but wait, do you count as a "sick" person? Will children be in your future? Well, I'm not 100% sure about women, but I know men, unless you plan on adopting children, they're not happening. Yes, it's a detrimental blow to your manhood, but what other options are available? The conscience goes in and out of control, whether you endure a taste of flaming anger, or a slice of blue tragedy, the remedy is the same. Stop. Think. Make a bold decision to fight. Live your life, because recently, I've discovered there is a live out there living with HIV. We have to take hold of a new perspective, that will take you on a path of happiness, and well being.

What is your purpose in life? Go out and do something! Make a difference big or small, just do it. While most of the world is drenched with evil, you can be that person to positively alter somebody's life today!

It's a shock, Michael Jackson had died. I believe, I would have been more affected, if I didn't have this diagnosis. Possibly, because I had just recently found out how short life and unpredictable life can be, so it's no heartache for me as much as it is for most people. After attending my first support group, yesterday, it really astounded me, by observing the majority of the ages of the men who were present, with how there is a severe need of services specifically for youth. I know, I'm not the only young person in this country who is infected. Why then, does it seem like I'm the only one strong enough, my age, to speak out about an issue that will not go away, until, there is a barrier of prevention that is inflicted into all of the minds of every sexually active young person on this earth!

Damn

Today, I went to work, for the second day, which exhausted me. Later in the day, Michael Jackson died right before I went to the HIV+ mens' support group for the first time, so it made me nervous, like I wasn't before. Damn, he was the best. What a loss, I loved MJ. I've underwent a draining day.

In the day

I'm trying. I'm attempting, to override my infinite agony. The bud helps, though, I do not promote the usage of illegal substances. Without it, I'd probably be dead. I still talk to the person who had condemned me with this, why, because I'm an idiot. My crying spells are still fiercely occurring, but what am I to do, but allow them the privilege. I went to work for the first time, since my month-long hospitalization. It went better than I thought, tough, money will barely be coming in, with the hours they've blessed me with. I'm trying to stay afloat.

I believe, I need this semi-denial to dominate this weakness that destroys me, otherwise. Half of the time, I'm fruitful and ready to fight, in the other half, I'm to the lowest of lows in depression. I've dominated many obstacles in my life, as in being in foster care, while enduring constant abuse, and eventually returning to an even more dysfunctional fuck up of a family that one can be, till this day. This hole, this mass of emptiness of which I can physically feel in my chest, is the most devastatingly, agonizing sense I've ever experienced, surpassing anything I've been through, thus far. A euphoria of death, loneliness, shock, and disbelief just consumes control of my entire being. In these reoccurring times, I can't stop the progress of this ramped grief. I've realized, I may be moving to slow in seeking support from the resources that are available for me. I just started these once an hour, once a week therapy sessions with this one man who specializes in my pain. I remember him gasping, "oh, but you're just a baby!". That comment stuck with me, causing me to reflect on this preset glorious life I had ahead of me, and now how that's all changed. I plan on joining his groups as well, he recommended it. He said there were two guys near my age , 22 and 25, that attend. Knowing I can possibly connect with someone near my age, going through similar problems, soothes my anxieties about the dominant age difference. We'll see what happens.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm putting up a front. I wear a smile to cover up all of the agony inside. I laugh at a comment, or a joke to further my inner denial. Sometimes, I feel like a superhero, that nothing will stop me. At other times, I feel so low, I want to stop my own existence, because I feel there is no hope, no one with an arm reaching out, and for the ones that are, thank you. But, not all the arms in the world can make me feel better, make me feel like before this ruined me. It's destroyed the fabric of what I call "life", because a life with this, is no life to live.

Condoms? Sometimes when lovers get close they fuck, and even sometimes without condoms. It does not matter if it's your first relationship, or you are a streetwalker, you are at risk for HIV! Even those who are too cautious to read my blog because they think they'll be associated with a disease, people will think they have. This Blog is for supporters as well. I hate the stigma, and all the damn ignorance about it (HIV)! It's no wonder New York is #1 in youth HIV/aids rates in all of America, Florida leading in number #2. Where then fuck is the education? Parents, teaching condom use in school will not increase the chances of your teens fucking! They will do it whether or not they have the knowledge to protect themselves.

Scared?

HIV/AIDS, scary isn't it? Maybe it's not, when you don't know someone who openly has it, maybe it is. Everybody is different. Some people don't care, they think it'll never happen to them. We know it's out there, we may have heard it mentioned once or twice in high school, though, "it's not like twenty years ago", it's still prevalent as ever of an issue to keep alive, as well as the lines of communication about it open. As youth, I think we ignore it, maybe I'm wrong. Especially, once diagnosed, we run away, indulge in denial, live are lives as if nothing detrimental has even occurred, having sexual relations with partners without allowing them the consent to chose whether or not to risk getting infected. We may fall into a heavy drug addiction, if one didn't exist prior, to escape the fear and pain that would otherwise engulf our entire well-being. Why? Why do we run? Why can't we face it, accept it, and deal with it? Why are we scared?