End of Year Fears

Time flies by, when you're having fun. It also does when you're submerged in chaos. There was this guy who had the biggest crush on me, and he was newly single. I was madly excited because I fancied him the same. We'd engaged in some invigorating conversation in the past months, and I got a good sense of what he was about. He was Intelligent, charming, and physically attractive. So we arranged to go hang out one night in December. I wasn't anticipating anything sexual would occur, though, it definitively passed my mind, I wasn't banking on it. I worried all of the what ifs, but pushed them aside, because damn it, I'm young and entitled to have some senseless fun, being an introvert my entire life has prevented me from acquiring the crazy memories most can reminisce about in their golden years and smile.

I've been torn between my illness, and new found insatiable yearning to embrace my limited youth. I've been an adult my entire life, and now I'm actually becoming one. I didn't want to be defeated by this, allowing it to stop me from pursuing those who find interest in me, and then years later thinking back, "damn, why didn't I?".

Somewhere along the line, we were alone, being at his friends house he saw an opportunity, and went in to kiss me. It happened so fast, and before I knew it I was kissing back. The night went on, and the mood began to change. His friends were whispering back and forth to one another giggling, staring, and avoiding. His attitude went from laid back and peaceful to silent and contemplative. The vibes turned cold and negative. I began to suspect the worst... but how? How would they have known? True, they have all frequented the same gay and lesbian community center from where I receive my HIV case management from, attending the social groups I met them at. But, I thought confidentiality meant something. Yes, there are the volunteers who are part of that social web. Everybody knows everybody, and people gossip. That sense of privacy and safety had been invalid from the start, and it has cost me so much.

I fled to L.A. to live with my uncle, and to start a new life where nobody knew. Where I could live free from the fear of disclosure and retaliation. My life itself was at risk, back home. It was only a kiss. We didn't fuck or anything, but that means nothing. The ridicule I had faced, was unbearable, the fear instilled within me, unforgettable. I felt like a zombie, a walking death, I was belittled so. I would like to think society has come to a place of understanding, the same place all of those health professionals I've encountered on my journey, thus far, has said we are in. "It's not like twenty years ago", they say with slice of arrogance, like they know. Tell that to the group of people that vowed to kill me because they obviously don't, or are they from twenty years ago?