I believe, I need this semi-denial to dominate this weakness that destroys me, otherwise. Half of the time, I'm fruitful and ready to fight, in the other half, I'm to the lowest of lows in depression. I've dominated many obstacles in my life, as in being in foster care, while enduring constant abuse, and eventually returning to an even more dysfunctional fuck up of a family that one can be, till this day. This hole, this mass of emptiness of which I can physically feel in my chest, is the most devastatingly, agonizing sense I've ever experienced, surpassing anything I've been through, thus far. A euphoria of death, loneliness, shock, and disbelief just consumes control of my entire being. In these reoccurring times, I can't stop the progress of this ramped grief. I've realized, I may be moving to slow in seeking support from the resources that are available for me. I just started these once an hour, once a week therapy sessions with this one man who specializes in my pain. I remember him gasping, "oh, but you're just a baby!". That comment stuck with me, causing me to reflect on this preset glorious life I had ahead of me, and now how that's all changed. I plan on joining his groups as well, he recommended it. He said there were two guys near my age , 22 and 25, that attend. Knowing I can possibly connect with someone near my age, going through similar problems, soothes my anxieties about the dominant age difference. We'll see what happens.