Where From Here?

Subconsciously, I began this alias, the Positive Youth Network, as a means of coping with the shock of just getting diagnosed. I don't know when I'll overcome not giving a damn about who knows because it'll always be an issue I'll have to face, regardless of where I live, who I know, and who I want to initiate a relationship with. There's a part of me that would like to start a public vlog. To show my face, who I am, and what I stand for. To extract the ignorant from the start. If I do encounter them at a later time, open up a dialog and educate.

One thing I took with me when staying with my uncle, he said, "Live your life, because you can be gone tomorrow, and nobody will remember your name." I want to be remembered, if it's by a handful of people or by millions. I want to make a difference in the opinions we have as humans against what it is we don't understand. Death is inevitable, and I don't want to take my silence to the grave. I want to initiate change. I can't run away from this forever, and if I do, I am defeated. I'd just figured, with all that's been bestowed before me in life, I was too exhausted to endure any further stupidity from those who fail understand. Well, not anymore!

I want to break the barriers set up by the fear instilled by so many. I want to prance around with an Annie Lennox t-shirt on that reads "HIV POSITIVE" everyday, and be liberated with the brilliance of accepting the fact that I'm positive. The shock is gone, and the reality has taken lead, in that it's not easy. It fucking sucks having HIV, regardless of age, but, especially at mine. I'm overcoming the obstacle of wanting to embrace the wild side of me I never had the opportunity of grasping a hold of before this. That's not who I am, it's just the fear of not being able to. Sex is a temporary fix, an emotional bond, if any, with another body besides your own, being it superficial and only once with a stranger, or within the solitude of a committed relationship. Besides that, there are so many other STD's out there I don't need to be exposing myself to. I may have the worst one of the bunch, but I'm blessed to only have this one, because it's unbearable on it's own, it doesn't need company. The best relationship to have is the one you have with yourself.

End of Year Fears

Time flies by, when you're having fun. It also does when you're submerged in chaos. There was this guy who had the biggest crush on me, and he was newly single. I was madly excited because I fancied him the same. We'd engaged in some invigorating conversation in the past months, and I got a good sense of what he was about. He was Intelligent, charming, and physically attractive. So we arranged to go hang out one night in December. I wasn't anticipating anything sexual would occur, though, it definitively passed my mind, I wasn't banking on it. I worried all of the what ifs, but pushed them aside, because damn it, I'm young and entitled to have some senseless fun, being an introvert my entire life has prevented me from acquiring the crazy memories most can reminisce about in their golden years and smile.

I've been torn between my illness, and new found insatiable yearning to embrace my limited youth. I've been an adult my entire life, and now I'm actually becoming one. I didn't want to be defeated by this, allowing it to stop me from pursuing those who find interest in me, and then years later thinking back, "damn, why didn't I?".

Somewhere along the line, we were alone, being at his friends house he saw an opportunity, and went in to kiss me. It happened so fast, and before I knew it I was kissing back. The night went on, and the mood began to change. His friends were whispering back and forth to one another giggling, staring, and avoiding. His attitude went from laid back and peaceful to silent and contemplative. The vibes turned cold and negative. I began to suspect the worst... but how? How would they have known? True, they have all frequented the same gay and lesbian community center from where I receive my HIV case management from, attending the social groups I met them at. But, I thought confidentiality meant something. Yes, there are the volunteers who are part of that social web. Everybody knows everybody, and people gossip. That sense of privacy and safety had been invalid from the start, and it has cost me so much.

I fled to L.A. to live with my uncle, and to start a new life where nobody knew. Where I could live free from the fear of disclosure and retaliation. My life itself was at risk, back home. It was only a kiss. We didn't fuck or anything, but that means nothing. The ridicule I had faced, was unbearable, the fear instilled within me, unforgettable. I felt like a zombie, a walking death, I was belittled so. I would like to think society has come to a place of understanding, the same place all of those health professionals I've encountered on my journey, thus far, has said we are in. "It's not like twenty years ago", they say with slice of arrogance, like they know. Tell that to the group of people that vowed to kill me because they obviously don't, or are they from twenty years ago?